Venting

I feel my skin crawling, and I cannot do anything about it. It is a constant feeling, and it never gives in for a moment to let me regain strength. I don't like being the weaker person, but I am so far from perfect. I don't know if I can be the person he expects me to be. I act first think later. I have not grown out of this immature action. I still react without thinking. I am trying to control myself, but like a child I react to being ordered around. I feel myself wanting to run left instead of going right. I feel like I have failed, and I need to just stop before I hurt more people. I seem to be on this ridiculous road of self destruction. I do not know if it is my disorder or just me being the naturally selfish bitch that I have always been. I do not stop myself from writing or saying what first comes to my mind because I never have before. I have not even censored myself for my own parents. I know I can hurt others, and it is not my intention to do this.

I just fuck up because I am fucked up. It is simple really. What is not simple is trying to control my thoughts and actions when I feel loss of control. I want to run. I want to just escape from feeling this tension this disappointment and shame. I am in the fetal ready to end it all except I don't have that option because I have these midgets that need and love me despite the person I really am inside.

Inside my head I run every scenario. What would happen if? I took one too many pills and died. What would happen if? I let go of what is left of my sanity and go straight to the straight jacket. What if, I am never truly happy? What if, I keep self destructing until I am strung out living alone on welfare. Like a good Catholic I think this type of shit is what I need to experience for forgiveness.

I am just so tired. I'm tired of not being trusted because quite frankly I can't be. I don't like the new paranoia that keeps me up day and night and even invades my dreams. I know the hatred and disgust you have for me.

it is what it is.

How I remember those lives lost on September 11, 2001

Since 9/11 I have always lit a candle in memory of those lives lost. I light it and place it somewhere safe so that i may burn the entire day until midnight. This is my way of never forgetting the day that completely changed our lives.

Do something to honor those lives lost.

xoxo

drea

Poetry

Poetry

I watch your eyes as they follow my body from head to toe
Leaning forward slowly to give you a better view
We have waited long enough for the inevitable
You are going to wear me well when I am draped across you

Blue eyes fixated on me...I want to be your dirty girl fantasy
I follow your lead as you grab my hand and lead me to your room
The taste of your kiss is sweet like sugar...
But your hands are confident and aggressive as you explore

Move me like you want me just keep your eyes coming back to mine
As clothing falls to the ground
I feel your skin on my skin and submit to you
Take me as I am and show me you can love me like I so desperately need

We connect with the strength of two magnets
Loss of hours and all surroundings
I am completely yours and you are all for me...finally
And like all other things in my life...I found love in my faithful sins.


xoxo
drea

Back To Writing

When I get in one of my moods, the first thing I stop doing is writing. I don't know if it is some kind of punishment to myself or what. No matter what I try, I cannot write anything with emotion or substance. This is frustrating to me. so why push it? I would rather write nothing than write bullshit that makes no sense to anyone but me.

So many changes have happened in my life over the past few months. Especially since the last time I posted to this blog. (BTW I write for myself and my mental health) Moving into a new home soon, which is amazing for our family. The place we live in now is way too small for us. The kids are too big to be in this small of a place. I'm anxious to be moved and in my big ass new house hehehehe.

Life is being half way decent to me considering how shitty it has been for the last few months. We deserve some good mojo.

getting back to writing